The Rewilders Read online

  CHARLIE

  You sell me one of those? How about that? And I need some of them.

  STORE OWNER

  Right.

  Charlie waits as the Store Owner starts to collect items. He spots something and squints.

  From his POINT OF VIEW, on a community billboard, among several ads and flyers, there's a Polaroid of an old motorcycle.

  More T.V. News Reports

  INTERIOR - MACGILLVRAY HOUSE/DINING ROOM - DAY

  Evey and Harry are playing Scrabble at the table. However, the T.V. is still on, playing in the BACKGROUND.

  CLOSE-UP - GAME: HANDS LAYING AN "E" AGAINST A VERTICAL "T"

  EVEY (OFF-SCREEN)

  What the hell's that, Harry?

  HARRY (OFF-SCREEN)

  Et. Et!

  RETURN TO SCENE

  EVEY

  (chuckles)

  Harry, g'wan.

  Harry rubs his brow from the painful intellectual exercise.

  INTERCUT between the COUPLE and the T.V. SCREEN

  NEWSREADER (VOICE-OVER)

  (filtered over T.V.)

  Complications of rewilding where Mankind is too close to nature, disrupting natural sociology, causing more of the creatures to become true man-eaters, and we lose our top-of-the-food-chain status.

  HARRY

  (still pondering)

  Et!

  EVEY

  No good!

  NEWSREADER (VOICE-OVER)

  An un-rewilding, de-introduction, to take on the Beaver in the Bogs of Scotland, or more precisely, what has become known as "Castor Mortis", given its predilection for chewing the wood foundations of neighborhood homes, causing some to collapse.

  EVEY

  Et. See, I'm giving you a hard time all 'cause you didn't let me get away with "fraternity".

  HARRY

  No, you put down "frat".

  EVEY

  That was the short-form!

  HARRY

  No short forms allowed! I told you, you should have just changed it to "fart". I would have accepted it. F. A. R. T.

  EVEY

  Oh yes, you're an expert in that field, Harry.

  Harry lays out some tiles to make some legitimate word.

  HARRY

  There.

  NEWSREADER (VOICE-OVER)

  Meanwhile, Central Zoological Services is still looking for a missing cheetah.

  Evey looks over to the T.V.

  EVEY

  (looks at her tiles)

  Cheetah? Hmm...

  NEWSREADER (VOICE-OVER)

  Well, the most fearful news is an unintended insect re-introduction, let's say to the Southwest, where the larvae jumps onto ships and spreads to the breadbaskets of the world. It'll turn these areas into deserts!

  END INTERCUT

  EVEY

  There! C. H. E. E. T. A. H. Seven letters.

  (Harry groans)

  A hundred forty-two points. I win.

  She rises and pats him on the head as he sulks.

  EVEY

  I'll make you a tea and you'll feel better.

  As she passes the window, Evey catches something outside.

  EVEY

  Harry... there's an animal chewing on the tires of the car!

  Harry scrambles up and over, limping.

  EVEY

  It's a beaver! Get the animal control on the line, Harry!

  He's already at the phone, dialing.

  HARRY

  It's busy!

  EVEY

  Try again! Hurry!

  Cadwraeth watches T.V.

  EXTERIOR - STREET CORNER - NIGHT

  The T.V. continues to play in the windowed storefront, and the channels continue to flip by. A shadowy man in a hat and an overcoat, sitting on a motorbike, watches, silently.

  MONTAGE - CHANNELS FLIPPING ON TELEVISION

  A) Below crawling titles "Sentencing in the Barbar case", a chained, orange-suited man stands limply before a judge.

  JUDGE (VOICE-OVER)

  (filtered over T.V.)

  For the flagrant use of a gasoline-powered recreational boating vehicle, ten years!

  The prisoner is dragged away by two burly guards.

  JUDGE (VOICE-OVER)

  Next?

  COURT CLERK (VOICE-OVER)

  Your Honour, it's the factory owner who distributed toilet tissue made from old growth forests -

  JUDGE (VOICE-OVER)

  Oh! Is it ever going to stop?!

  B) The channel changes. Kids in school, again learning from the stern teacher.

  TEACHER (VOICE-OVER)

  ... and the Industrial Revolution nearly destroyed our planet. Yes?

  BOY STUDENT (VOICE-OVER)

  (stands up from desk)

  And eliminating the farm plough saved the world from serious soil erosion!

  The other kids applaud as the boy resumes his seat.

  THIN GIRL STUDENT (VOICE-OVER)

  (whispers to pal)

  But I'm still so hungry.

  The unknown person in the long coat, observing the T.V.,

  shakes his head, revs his bike motor, and screeches away.

  C) The channel changes. Now Rachel's on T.V.! There's a slight sadness to her, but her sweetness and earnestness could sway anyone. A reporter holds a mike to her face:

  RACHEL

  (filtered over T.V.)

  Sure. But the environment is soooo precious! What can we do to lower our carbon footprint? You know, here's how to do it -

  DISSOLVE TO:

  Major Mix-up Rewilding

  EXTERIOR - CLEARING BEFORE A FOREST - DAY

  Our Team members, not quite as smiley and happy-looking as before, set up a multi-species release in North London.

  Technicians from other C.R.A.P. offices are there to assist, and there's a crowd of over 100 spectators.

  As before, the audience area is off to the side and the truck and cages are pointed toward a target, in this case a beaten path leading into a thick forested area.

  Fifty yards behind the rows of seats are quaint townhouses. Towering over them, in their back yards, are a half-dozen giant wind power turbines, revolving full tilt.

  For this event, even T.V. cameras are there to capture it.

  At the rear of a trailer, Roger shoves at one of the three large shipping containers containing the animal subjects. Roger and Yabby remove straps holding down the other boxes.

  Rachel comes alongside the truck.

  ROGER

  Hey Rachel, these are awfully big for...

  He leads her eyes to a poster of an Aardvark on the cage. Yabby peeks into the dark cage, from different angles, making cooing noises.

  RACHEL

  Well, the paperwork checks out.

  She mumbles as she checks the paperwork on a clipboard.

  RACHEL

  But what're we doing with an aardvark?

  Wally lowers the cages to the ground using the electronic trailer lift. Roger and Yabby go along for the ride.

  Rachel moves over to a crowd of children in school uniforms, while Ally takes to the podium. Seated behind her is a very OLD FELLOW in regal garb, serving as the ceremonial sponsor.

  And beside the podium is a table with more silly pamphlets.

  CLOSE-UP - PAMPHLETS ON TABLETOP, HANDS GRABBING AT THEM

  "How to live without your automobile"

  "The evil of modern living:

  Say 'No' to electricity!"

  "To 'ell with farmland!

  Reforestation for All!"

  "Body Heat your House!"

  Rachel helps the Old Fellow stand up to do a ribbon cutting ceremony, to light applause and whistles from the crowd.

  Roger and Yabby work the gate for the first of the cages.

  Ally sorts her speaking notes at the podium.

  ALLY

  Good morning, ladies and gentlemen and boys and girls! Welcome to the reinstatement of a...

  (frowns at notes)

  Young musk ox? Ovibos m
oschatus?

  She exchanges a glance with Rachel, and their eyes go to the cage, where a young musk ox is illustrated on the poster.

  Everyone in the crowd is smiling, and some applause and whistling starts up. Ally shrugs, and nods toward the cage.

  ALLY

  All right. Release away, boys!

  The boys use a winding mechanism to do up the cage gate. Nothing happens. All darkness inside. The crowd goes quiet. Yabby taps the outside. Roger pokes his head in.

  The applause and cheering picks up OFF-SCREEN, and turns to jeers.

  ROGER

  Come on, baby. Let's... let's...

  With a great rowrl, what is definitely not a young musk ox peels out of the cage right past Roger's face.

  It's the missing cheetah, acinonyx jubatus!

  The crowd goes numb and silent as the fastest living creature on earth screams straight ahead toward the forest.

  Then some of the kids start to wail. With this, the frightened cat darts left to right, at sharp angles, still going 65 m.p.h. ROWRL!

  The audience in the front row leaps, screaming, from their seats as the cat floats past, doing 30 foot strides.

  Women faint and children cry, as Wally, Roger and Yabby chase after the speedy, snarling animal darting to and fro'.

  ALLY

  Everyone, remain calm! Don't cause it to panic!

  The brochure table overturns as the audience flees from row two. Ally and the Old Fellow, now back in his seat, are frozen on the podium, watching the mayhem.

  ROWRL! The sleek cat scales the other cages and the truck, then leaps back down, dodging Wally and Roger trying to snare it with lassoes on the ends of poles.

  Wally pulls a tranquillizer rifle out of the truck cab as...

  CLOSE-UP - THE CHEETAH, READYING A POUNCE

  A tranquillizer dart pops into its hindquarters. ROWRLLL...

  RETURN TO Rachel, a tranquillizer pistol in hand, pointed, stepping over the cheetah as it slumps into a sleepy heap.

  DISSOLVE TO LATER

  Two Technicians drag the limp animal back to its cage. It's like a long bag of water and very hard to carry.

  However, the spectators have courageously returned to their seats. The Team members have resumed their places, as Ally retakes the microphone.

  ALLY

  Everyone? Are we all okay? Oh, my, my, my. Well, that was exciting! Does everyone want to try again?

  Feeble mumbles mixed with claps emanate from the crowd OFF-SCREEN.

  ALLY

  Oh, my, my...

  She gazes over to wide-eyed Roger and Yabby, standing now beside a smaller cage, with a poster of a bird on the side.

  ALLY

  Well, next we're supposed to have a Western Capercaillie, or Wood Grouse. Boys?

  Very slowly, this time, Roger and Yabby wind up the gate.

  ROGER

  You can stick your head in this time, Yabby.

  YABBY

  Huh?!

  Again, nothing but blackness and silence from inside.

  Yabby imitates a tentative call of a grouse. Then applause and whistling, from the crowd OFF-SCREEN. Still nothing. Finally, Roger reaches inside.

  With only his rear end sticking out, he jerks and twitches, struggling with what's inside. Everyone else goes quiet.

  As he crawls back out, PAN Yabby, Wally, Rachel, with her fingers crossed, Ally, and faces in the audience.

  Finally, Roger emerges with a young Eurasian Black Vulture in his arms, obviously nothing like the picture on the cage.

  ROGER

  Well, at least this has wings like it's supposed to!

  The vulture is ugly, but the crowd coos and applauds anyway.

  Rachel, frowning, steps up to the podium. Ally leans over.

  RACHEL

  What's going on, Professor?

  ALLY

  These guys at the Department - or the zoos they're coming from. I mean, who can confuse a moschatus with a jubatus?!

  Ally returns to the microphone. She glances to the Old Fellow, in his neat uniform, peering straight ahead through his inch-thick spectacles, smiling as if nothing's happened.

  ALLY

  Well, you can let her go, Roger.

  Roger does just that, and the vulture bounces, hops and gradually takes flight toward the forest, to nice applause.

  Ally and Rachel peer at the third cage, an enormous box bigger than anything we've seen. On its side is a poster of a small animal.

  CLOSE-UP - IT'S AN ILLUSTRATION OF AN ARMADILLO

  RETURN TO Ally, checking her paperwork.

  ALLY

  A European Badger?

  Roger and Yabby get to their knees, close to the poster.

  YABBY

  Huh?

  ROGER

  This ain't no badger.

  RACHEL

  Why would we be releasing an armadillo in these parts? Professor?

  ROGER

  What a bugger up. They sent us the wrong shipment!

  VOICES FROM CROWD (OFF-SCREEN)

  G'wan! Let's get going! Let the critter go! Yeah, we wanna see it!

  (to laughter)

  We wanna see what it is this time!

  Ally shrugs and moves up to the microphone. The boys start winding up the gate on this huge cage.

  ALLY

  Ladies and gentlemen. A ba..

  (waits)

  Well, let's see what it is before I announce, it, okay?!

  With the gate only half raised, an animal skitters out, but it's NOT what's on the poster.

  WALLY

  That's not an armadillo!

  It's the aardvark that was supposed to be in cage one!

  ALLY

  (squints)

  Uh, ladies and gentlemen, we present to you... an aardvark! That's it. Orycteropus afer. Well, that's not so bad...

  Relieved sighs and chuckles come from the crowd, followed by gentle applause and whistles as the odd little anteater darts in a straight line for the trees. It seems scared.

  ROGER

  Gee, Professor, I didn't know those things could move that fast -

  Then there's an enormous clunk from the cage and it bounces a few inches into the air. Roger and Yabby are tossed away.

  With a throbbing honk, a RHINOCEROS charges out of the cage!

  Spectators scatter! Rachel helps Ally leap down from the podium! Screaming! Shouting! Honking! Chairs flying! Tables toppling! More women fainting and kids crying!

  The horned beast makes for the seats and bashes them about. It wheels around, still honking its nasal honks. It rams its cage, and then the other cages, and then the truck.

  Wally scrambles into the cab and tosses tranquillizer rifles and crossbows out to Roger, Yabby and the Technicians.

  Rachel and Ally try to contain the crowds running every which way, and guide them up the road away from the scene.

  The rhino bashes the truck, spinning it around. It raises its head triumphantly, honks, and runs for the podium, still occupied by the Old Fellow, sitting there, alone, smiling!

  Roger and Yabby run in front of the raging beast to guide it away, toward the forest, away from the podium.

  For only a moment, it seems to work, before the rhino discovers the road leading away from the place, full of cyclists and uniformed children walking to a nearby school.